Lately I’ve been feeling a little anxious. Things have been going really well for me and I keep worrying there’s a catch. My new job at the web design firm seems like a perfect fit. Love A Child continues to send me work and there is promise of plenty of work to come. Life had been so hard for so long. My debt and my dreams towered over me – seemingly unconquerable. Now, for the first time in a very long time, I’ve regained some confidence. Though the hard years guard me from arrogance, I doubt myself less and less. But I’m uneasy. I don’t deserve this and my natural inclination is to suspect it will be taken away.
I was sharing this with Kristin and she reminded me of Good Will Hunting. Toward the end of the film, Sean (Robin Williams) and Will (Matt Damon) are having their last therapy session in Sean’s lower-level office. Sean is holding Will’s record. He tells him, “You see this shit? It’s not your fault.”
Will says he knows.
Sean says, “No – you don’t. It’s not your fault.” He steps closer.
Will backs up. “I know,” he says.
“No. Listen to me, son. It’s not your fault.” Closer still.
“I know that.”
“It’s not your fault-”
Will fights back tears. “Don’t fuck with me, Sean – not you.”
“It’s not your fault.”
Will shoves him back. With trembling hands, he then buries his face in Sean’s shoulder, sobbing.
Kristin pointed out that this is how we are with God. He steps toward us with with understanding and extends kindness. We (or at least I) say, “Don’t fuck with me, God – not you.” I shove him back – I distrust his goodness. I receive the good gift, but I wonder what’s up his sleeve.
Let the lying lips be mute,
which speak insolently against the righteous
in pride and contempt.
Oh, how abundant is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you
and worked for those who take refuge in you,
in the sight of the children of mankind!
-Psalm 31:18-19
April 12, 2006 at 10:15 pm |
that’s right, it was his record…I thought he was saying “i love you”…
April 13, 2006 at 10:05 am |
You will do fine! Keep up the blogging! I really enjoyed reading your post.
- The HM
April 17, 2006 at 8:55 am |
Thanks for your post. Very honest and vulnerable. I always enjoy reading your blog. You are one of those people, where what you see is what you get. You don’t pull punches or put on masks. Just Matt in the raw. I appreciate that about you.
April 17, 2006 at 12:59 pm |
Thanks, Lee Ann. I try to be as candid as can be. Of course – it’s easier behind the shelter of a blog than over an open porch. I think of writing here as training for real life. I’m trying to learn to be “raw” and still be gracious.